Confession time

I'm not exactly sure why I'm going to put this out there...and honestly there's not an easy way to say it but I need to. I have never really "recovered" from my eating disorder. I have done better at times and worse at times but for the most part I've just wanted to pretend it was gone so that maybe somehow it would miraculously disappear. But it hasn't worked. If anything, I've just normalized what I do to the point that I forget what I do isn't "normal". What, most people don't throw up their food after they eat?

There have definitely been times when I've done a LOT better and times when I've done a LOT worse, but I don't want to settle for "better" anymore. I am so so SO sick of the eating disorder, in fact I think hate is a pretty strong emotion and I don't want to think of myself as a hateful person but I HATE my eating disorder. I'm sick of working so hard to do better only to find myself regressing and backtracking when things get hard (and let's be honest...when is life NOT hard?). I'm sick of what it does to me--I'm sick of feeling depleted, guilty, depressed, anxious, and constantly thinking in my head that if people only knew how much I still struggle they would agree that I'm the biggest failure ever. I'm sick of all the lies and distortions that I've come to believe are 100% real: "I'm already so fat that if I start eating normally I'll turn into a whale; I NEED the control and safety net of the ED; I won't be able to tolerate my anxiety without the immediate relief and numbing effect I get from my behaviors; I've been this way for so long I'll never be able to change, other people may be able to recover completely but I'm a lost cause...the list goes on and on!

But this is the truth: Yes, I most likely will gain weight when I start nourishing and taking care of my precious body the way it deserves, but that will be a GOOD thing. I will have energy to do the things I love...like running! Yes at times in the past exercise was an unhealthy obsession in my life but it's also one of the biggest motivators for me to totally recover. I want the energy to run without constantly getting injured. I want to hike and bike and ski and water-ski and do all the other things I love. Next, I don't need the false sense of control I get from the eating disorder...because that's all it is, an ILLUSION! In reality it makes my life out of control and it's a poisonous, thorny safety net at best. I WILL be able to handle my anxiety or any other extreme emotional swings without it, in fact those things won't be nearly as bad when it's gone since I think my ED is the reason I have a lot of those problems in the first place. And finally, I am NOT a hopeless, lost cause. Yes, I have struggled for a long time (12+ years, more like 20+ if you count the messed up thoughts in my head about myself and my body that I've had since I was a tiny kid...I remember sitting in the bath tub when I was SIX years old and pinching the fat on my thighs, telling myself if I could just get rid of that I'd be okay) but maybe the length of my struggle can work to my advantage. I've learned a lot over the years and hopefully the pain and suffering I've gone through will serve as a reminder that I NEVER want to go back.

So if you've made it through this marathon of an explanation here's the exciting part: something has finally flipped inside of me and I am done with the ED. Purging is no longer an option, eating is a must, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to be 110% recovered. Parts of that will take time; it may be years before I can eat a large meal without wanting to cry and feeling like I've turned into a whale. But other parts of this can change relatively quickly. I decided almost a week ago that purging will no longer be a part of my life and if you knew how hard the last 6 days have been you'd be embarrassed for me...but I've DONE it! And I know I can keep doing it, but not always on my own.

It's so hard for me to ask for help but more than ever before I am learning that it's okay to need support. I have been praying like never before and I get emotional just thinking about the heavenly blessings of hope, peace, and strength that have been poured down upon me lately. I am so grateful to be able to feel the love of my Heavenly Father again and to know He will NEVER give up on me. And I am so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends in my life that I know will support me if I only ask for help...but that's also the hard part for me. I never want to impose or burden anyone and I definitely don't want to be selfish by focusing on my own needs and problems when there are people out there with problems so much worse than mine. But I've realized that reaching out to others is not selfish or imposing. In fact, I LOVE it when others are open with me and ask for help when they need it.

So here's me being brave and asking for help (and I'm sure I'll have to fight feelings of guilt and regret for writing this but so be it). I know most of you have insanely busy lives so please, feel NO pressure to add this to your ridiculously long list of things to do, but if you have a minute to cheer me on by leaving a comment here, or if you ever want to go to lunch with me and my crazy kids, or if you want to be brave and play with those crazy kids while I scrub your toilets or do your dishes to expel some of my hyperactive energy I would forever be in your debt! (and no, I am not kidding...why I enjoy cleaning other people's houses when I can barely stay on top of my own is beyond me!)

P.S. If this post was way too depressing and you want something to brighten your mood you can check out the more exciting happenings of our lives here!