Two sides of the same coin

I promise I'm going to come back and respond to the last post I wrote (and thank you for your comments by the way, I loved your insight and I likewise have to believe that FULL recovery is truly possible) but I've had something else on my mind that I want to write about.

Motherhood is HARD. I don't think there's anyone out there who's had kids that considers parenting an easy job. I know we all have our own struggles and challenges and it's easy to look at others and think they somehow have it figured out while we don't have a clue. But at the same time, I know of lots of people who seem to handle motherhood with grace and dignity. Who seem to LOVE what they're doing...despite how hard it is.

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids more than anything in the world. There ARE moments when I relish in the hilarious things Johnny says or can't get enough of Hannah's smiles and cooing. But lately it feels like 90% of the time I'm just trying to survive the day; feeling horribly guilty that my 2 year old is so demanding or that my 3 month old won't stop crying. The last couple weeks have been particularly challenging because we've all had this miserable virus that just won't go away (I initially thought Hannah had managed to not get as sick as the rest of us but the last 5 days she has been pretty miserable). So I know this probably isn't the best time to judge my parenting aptitude, since sleep deprived kids and a sleep deprived mom is never a great equation.

BUT, lately I have been feeling like I am not a natural, born-to-be-a-mother kind of parent. All the traits, skills, and attributes that make good parents are NOT things that come natural to me--patience, flexibility, the ability to go with the flow and ride out the unpredictable, even creativity and spontaneity (which are pretty much essential when you have a toddler) are not my strong spots.

However, just because some of the typical "motherly" traits are not my natural inclinations does not mean that I can't use my own strengths to be a good mom. I think lately I've been dwelling way too much on the hard, negative parts of life and not enough on the good, positive things that do bring me joy. I think it's important to be able to talk about and acknowledge the reality that life isn't easy, that deep inside we all have worries, fears, and often feel like we're not quite "good enough" (whatever that means!).

At the same time, I think it is VITAL that even in the midst of the chaos of life we still focus on the things that make us happy.

Here are a few of mine right now:

- Even though John has been out of town for work all week I am SO grateful he'll be home tonight!

- Even though this torrential rain is putting a damper on all my outdoor spring plans I am grateful we will have plenty of water this summer to drink, water our lawn, and go water-skiing in!

- Even though my kids have been sick, fussy, and somewhat exhausting the last couple of weeks I'm grateful they are generally healthy, strong, and free of any serious medical problems.

- Even though I get so frustrated that I'm STILL dealing with and fighting this ED after way too many years, I'm grateful for everything this struggle has taught me...and continues to teach me. I'm grateful for my insight, for the empathy and understanding I have for people that struggle with depression, addictions, and any other internal or emotional issue.

I'm going to try to do this a little more often. It feels really good to acknowledge that there are a lot of things to be happy about. And I'm a firm believer that what we look for is what we see.