- Why do I always have to put on my happy, smiling face when in reality things are really hard?
- Why do I desperately try to convince myself that I'm okay?
- Why can't I just accept that my efforts are good enough, instead of always feeling like I don't measure up?
- Why, when feeling depressed and down, do I avoid the things that would help me most?
- Why do I hide and isolate when I know that will only reinforce the emptiness inside?
- Why do I feel like I don't deserve help now that I'm no longer deep in the throes of ED?
- Why does being pregnant make me feel like I can no longer have struggles (or admit them)?
- Why do I feel the need to always appear "strong"?
- Why do I still long for the safety and security of my eating disorder when I fully know those things were just an illusion?
- Why can't I learn to trust and have faith? Why do I always need to have an immediate answer?
- Why am I still so dependent on validation from others?
- Why can't I trust my own abilities and instincts without needing confirmation that my choices are okay?
- Why am I always intimidated by everyone? Why the persistent belief that if people really knew me they wouldn't like me?
- Why do I easily forgive and accept others, yet demand unrealistic perfection of myself?
- Why do I have to do everything or nothing- it's ten loads of laundry or zero, clean the whole house or let it fall apart and rot. Why not one load of laundry, or two? Clean one sink or just sweep the floor?
- Why does accomplishing one task make me feel depressed about the millions I have yet to do? Why can't I just feel good about taking one step forward without worrying about the miles yet to come?
- Why is it such a struggle for me to live in the moment? Why can't I just enjoy my two days off work rather than tainting my time with the dread of Thursday?
- Why can't I be more optimistic and lighthearted? Why can't I learn to take things as they come?
- Why do I even ask "why" when both the answers and the lack of answers are so frustrating to me?
- And why in the world am I being real and vulnerable when it's so much easier to hide behind the superficial?
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Why?
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4 comments:
Those are questions I ask myself as well. Oh the joys of questioning yourself in everything. Just know that we all love you and look up to you, and your baby is one lucky little one. By the way, when do you find out what you're having?
I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who asks those questions. D&C 121. I love you! ps-boy or girl?
Why does being pregnant make me feel like I can no longer have struggles (or admit them)?
well... let's just face the fact that motherhood is a hard rap sometimes. We're expected to be so happy and glowy all the time, and yet our hormones rage and our sleep is minimal and we are going thru the confusion of bodily changes. Plus we're lucky right? We can get pregnant and some people struggle so much...
right. I guess the trick (having gone thru it 3 times now) is not to minimalize your own struggle. I turn to my husband and tell him when I feel crappy. And so he knows. For some reason that helps me.
These questions are taunting and draining. They are constantly in my mind too whether I am doing well or not. I believe the difference between how they affect me when I am on top of the world or the poop on the shoes of people who do great things is the way that I interpret them. I can either let them make me who I am or fight them and let them help me to be who I wanna be. Does this make sense?
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