Just laying it out there

First, a disclaimer. This is not going to be a pretty post. I tend to majorly sugarcoat things and paint a perfect picture but for some reason right now I feel the need to be blunt.

- I am majorly struggling. I have some inklings why, though in many ways I am really confused about this recent downward spiral. It just DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!! But then again, when has anything related to my ED ever made sense? It is by nature entirely illogical (that is, to a rationally thinking human being).

- I do SO freakin' well when I eat around other people. In fact, last week over Thanksgiving I think I out-ate (like my made up word?) my hubby. And that's a major feat! But I forget that special occasions like holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc are usually one, two, at most a handful of meals. And overeating once, twice, even 5 times in a week really doesn't make a big difference. BUT undereating for weeks in anticipation of big events DOES make a difference. Maybe it's normal to do a little "preparation" so to speak, I mean doesn't 99% of the population go on a diet before they tie the knot? But I guess I can't afford to do this because in many ways I'm not really normal. Once this ball gets rolling it is SO SO SO hard to get it to stop!

- I tend to justify that since I'm not as "bad" as I once was I must be fine. I tend to lull myself into this false sense of security, thinking that because I'm not X weight or having X symptoms then all is well. But I don't want to walk so close to the edge of the cliff that a little gust of wind (or even a gentle breeze) will push me over. I may not be on my death bed, but I have plenty of evidence that I am NOT treating my body the way I need to. A while back a friend wrote this fabulous post on this same topic. I'm going to cut and paste my comment to her, mostly because I find it so ironic that I can offer such great advice to someone else but have such a HARD time accepting it myself. Can we say hypocrite?

"I think in some ways you're right--our habits become so deeply ingrained that even if the original triggers (like emotional problems, anxiety, lack of coping skills, trauma, etc) are gone we still keep doing what we do because we're "used" to it. The problem is that even if our motivations for doing something aren't the same, the consequences are. I think one of the hardest stages in recovery is when you're out of the "danger zone" but not necessarily at optimal "health" (plus, who can really define that anyway?). It's easy to justify that things are fine and overlook the fact that being slightly to moderately underweight and occasionally engaging in "some" behaviors can still lead to greater anxiety, depression, fatigue, health probs, etc. Maybe for some people it really doesn't--they can be perfectly healthy and underweight. I think only we can truly judge where our body functions best, yet unfortunately we're also the ones who tend to be distorted. I think if we truly love ourselves and know we can handle any amount of stress and anxiety we won't be afraid to give full recovery a chance. Even if it means saying, "I'm going to do an experiment and get to the weight that those around me are recommending and give it 6 months or a year and see how I feel. If it really doesn't help I can always go back." It seems like if something's purely habit (rather than a way to cope with emotions and anxiety) then there would be less resistance to breaking the habit. That's where I get stuck. I still have a LOT of resistance when it comes to breaking my habits. Plus, I spend so much time trying to find ways to deal with and reduce my anxiety that doing something that would create MORE anxiety seems so counter-intuitive! But lately I've been wondering if I'm missing out on lots of stuff just because I always try to swim with one foot out of the water."

- I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to be healthy and STAY that way. I'm so sick of going back and forth, back and forth. Trying for a while--or even a substantial amount of time, I did so awesome through my pregnancy and for a while afterward--but then going back to the familiar when it gets hard.

- I've gone through this process so many times that I'll be honest I'm scared. I'm scared that I don't have the energy to do it again. I know it probably sounds ridiculous to those of you who don't have eating disorders, but recovery is so physically and emotionally exhausting that I think I'd rather do this guys job for the rest of my life than go through the process of gaining weight. The hardest part of change is always the beginning, the shifting of your momentum. But knowing it will get easier doesn't change the fact that right now it's really HARD!

I could go on, but I'll spare you. I think the key is just learning to take it one.meal.at.a.time. Taking deep breaths and reminding myself that no matter how bad or hard things seem I really can tolerate it. And most of all, looking into the face of that precious little boy who reminds me that it's ALL worth fighting for.

P.S. If anyone wants to do a good deed and be my lunch date I would owe you my life forever! (and then you'd have leverage to get me to do nice things for you--I'm really good at helping people move, cleaning bathrooms, you name it!)