Blogging?

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this blog lately. I have no idea what has gotten into me, I mean I don't know about you guys but I personally feel like blogging is a thing of the past. I used to blog and read a ton of blogs but life has gotten so busy that I hardly ever read any blogs anymore. It's not like I've got a ton of free time on my hands where I'm sitting around wondering what to do with myself so I'm thinking about taking up blogging again as a way to use up that spare time. The truth is I am really struggling. Life is really difficult right now. I'm a pretty private person and I'm not about to publicly display all the horrific details of living with an eating disorder. I'm definitely not looking to be whiny or ask for sympathy. But I need a place to be real. I need a place to share, even just a little piece, of what's going on inside me. Some days I feel like I am literally fighting for my life. And there are many days it feels like I am not winning the war. But I get up, get the kids off to school, pray I don't get another phone call from Johnny's principal (that's a post for another day), go about my day the best I can, I take the kids to soccer practice and dance class and try (though usually fail) to get them to practice the piano, I go to church and smile and pretend everything is ok. But sometimes I just can't pretend anymore. So this blog is going to be a place where I don't have to pretend. 

Eating disorders are incredibly complex. I have one, and even I am completely baffled by them. They make no rational sense. They defy logic. I have learned SO much over the years and I have had access to some of the best treatment out there, and yet my eating disorder knows how to manipulate it's way back into my life without me even being conscious of it. Or maybe I am conscious of it and I just don't know how to stop it. Like I said, it's just not rational. Today I felt like eating a carrot, let alone a handful, would kill me. 

A little while ago a dear friend of mine, a previous Relief Society president, sent me this link:

http://broadcast2.lds.org/ldsradio/EnduringItWell/2014-03-082-overcoming-anorexia-and-bulimia-64k-eng.mp3 

I have heard a lot of eating disorder "stories" but I related to this one on such a deep level that it brought me to tears multiple times. If you have ever wanted to better understand eating disorders then PLEASE listen to this broadcast. It's a little long (40 min?) but I promise you it's well worth your time. 

One last thing...please don't feel any obligation to read this blog. I want to write because I feel like being real and opening up my life to those around me will help me heal but I don't want anyone to feel like they have to read or respond. Mostly I am doing this for myself. I love to write and I need an outlet right now. But if there's anything any of you have questions about or would like me to write about please let me know--I would love any input!!