Ramblings

I have been feeling a little more hopeful the last couple of days. I was honest with my dietitian on Monday and it went better than I expected. She didn't fire me and I've been trying to take some small steps in the right direction. I know logically this is what I need to do, but it's frustrating how wrong it feels. 

Like this morning I actually woke up and ate a decent breakfast, but I was tormented by anxiety for hours because I am not used to feeling full in the morning. I felt out of control and lost. Which even as I write this seems silly, I mean it's just one meal, and breakfast is usually a pretty small meal. But eating disorders are all about rules that for one reason or another make you feel safe and when you break those rules you no longer feel safe. It's pretty twisted because the exact thing that's supposedly making you feel safe is also killing you, and when you go against the eating disorder and no longer feel safe you are actually reclaiming your life but in the moment it feels terrifying and impossibly difficult. 

When people are severely anorexic or deeply entrenched in bulimia it might be tempting to say their primary problem is that they just need to eat or stop purging. But in reality eating disorders are about so much more than food or weight. I recently saw a link on FB to an article that explains this and a lot more much better than I ever could. I can't relate to every single one of these things, but as I read some parts of the article it was like they were explaining exactly what I've wanted to explain for all these years.

Here's the link:

http://the-healing-nest.tumblr.com/post/96457447460/what-eating-disorders-are-really-about

I'm hoping I can continue to put one foot in front of the other and fight these urges that are voraciously trying to pull me in the opposite direction. I can't even describe how luring the eating disorder can be, how manipulative and cunning. It truly is the devil. And I know the only way I will overcome it is with God by my side.