Honesty

I have always considered myself an honest person. In most day to day affairs lying has never been an issue for me. But when it comes to the eating disorder it's like a whole different world. It is so hard to be honest with others because so often I'm not even being honest with myself.

Right now I'm at a major crossroads. In many ways I am doing better than I have for years, but for some reason over these last few weeks things have been getting progressively harder and I haven't been doing very well behaviorally. I have an appointment with my dietitian today and I don't know how I will get myself to be fully honest with her. It's like I know deep down how crucial that honesty is, but it terrifies me. I'm scared she's going to fire me (and that's not an unjustified fear). Because it's not ethical for treatment professionals to continue treating patients if they are not willing to do their part. But it's confusing territory with eating disorders because most sufferers deal with perpetual ambivalence. Should a treatment professional stop seeing a patient if their stuck? Should I be honest if it means my dietitian will likely stop seeing me? I think I know deep down honesty is always the best policy, no matter the consequences.

So if I'm worried about getting fired by my dietitian and I know deep down I want to be honest, then I'm sure you're all wondering why in the world I don't just bite the bullet and do what she wants me to do. This is where the rational thinking goes out the door. I don't know why it's so hard for me to eat right now. I don't know why I can't just be mechanical about it and follow my meal plan. Somehow I've let fear and anxiety creep in and take control. But this is where I need to let go and surrender. This is where I need to acknowledge that I can't do it alone. Maybe I need to learn that if I will humble myself the Savior will carry me when I can't take another step. He has already suffered so that I can be forgiven. He knows how to help me navigate this path that feels so overwhelming at times. I just need to trust and have a little more faith. 

On a different note, this is our dinning room right now. We are getting ready to rip out our kitchen. I am having panic attacks about living through a kitchen remodel. Wish us luck!