Drowning

This is how I feel today. Tomorrow will probably be just fine. Tomorrow I will probably look at all the hard work I've been doing lately and be so grateful that I'm pushing through the muck. And if not tomorrow, maybe some day down the road I'll be able to see things more clearly. Maybe I'll be able to see that my rapidly expanding belly (no, I'm not pregnant...just trying to put on a little weight and it always goes straight to my stomach) is a good thing, not a sign of failure. Maybe I'll be able to see that the goodness inside me isn't gone, or even dormant. But that it's been there all along, keeping my head above water. Even when I "feel" like I'm sinking and that there's nothing left worth saving, there is a part of me that's still fighting. That refuses to forget about the faith and strength and courage that are intrinsic parts of me, of all of us. That knows without a shadow of a doubt that I have a purpose far greater than the cadaverous life that is ED. I wish I could see that today. I wish I wasn't so blinded by all the disappointments and failures and wishes that I was someone entirely different. But I know the only way to find peace is to accept myself, faults and all, right where I'm at. And then to move forward. Because as long as I'm moving I won't drown.