- I don't know why 3 nights ago, when my parents gave me an awfully kind b-day present and took Johnny for the night knowing fully well they'd probably be up with him for hours (we've had a rough couple of weeks when it comes to sleep), he slept perfectly.
- I don't know why 2 days ago, after having a wonderful day (best birthday I've had in years!) and tons of energy from sleeping well the night before, I could not wind down come bedtime and I was up until 1:30 AM!!! I know to many of you that might not be that unusual but I need lots-o-sleep and I had been raving all day about what a difference a good night rest makes and then it's like I went and shot myself in the foot by going to bed so late.
- I really don't know why John Hyrum chose that night to wake up at 2:30 am (he has been sleeping through the night for months, what is going on here?) or why after finally breaking down and putting him in the bed with us he STILL would not fall asleep until about 5 am.
- I don't know why I can't be more patient with myself when I'm trying so hard in so many areas AND dealing with some pretty intense sleep exhaustion on top of everything.
- I don't know how to keep pushing forward when I hit this kind of wall. With running, there was a finish line. Even if I hit the wall at 18 miles and had a daunting 8.2 more to go, at least I knew that eventually I'd make it. And despite the pain in my legs I knew the only way to get some rest was to keep moving those feet one in front of the other. But life isn't like that. You never really reach a place where you've "made it". Sure, there are some accomplishments and milestones that seem huge before you reach them (graduating from high school, getting married, having kids, etc) and then you look back and wonder how so much has happened without you even realizing it. But then there are some things where you work and fight and try with all your might and look back and realize you've just been going in circles. I know some people who go through hard experiences and really learn from them to become better people. But lately I feel like I'm one of those people that gets stuck in circles going nowhere. Sure, I've LEARNED a ton. But if I don't actually live what I learn what use is it? Maybe I'm just feeling discouraged because I've been trying so hard lately to do the "right" things but for some reason I've been feeling a lot worse. I've been working so hard to eat more and then I found out today that I've only put on a tiny bit of weight. Most people would think that's a good thing, to be able to eat boatloads of food and not blow up like a Goodyear blimp, but right now it just makes me mad. I'm frustrated that all the discomfort and anxiety I've been going through hasn't even paid off. Or maybe it has, and it will just take a while to notice the change? I don't really know, all I know is that I get so tired of fighting and facing the anxiety and holding on to the hope that things will get better. I know I cause a lot of my suffering because I focus on how hard things are and how I don't want to be doing this or that rather than just accepting that recovery is hard and moving forward anyway. I know that ups and downs and some going in circles is a natural part of life, I just really hope that my baseline is gradually inching upward rather than flatlining.
Ok, on to what I DO know:
- I know more than anything in the world that I love God with all my heart, that I have the most incredibly perfect husband for me whom I just adore, and that my crazy son is a gift from heaven. Last night when he wouldn't go to bed I was too tired to put up a fight so we had a little fun with the laptop webcam. Poor kid will be traumatized when he grows up and sees that picture of him with make-up on, but I thought it was pretty hilarious!
- All I know, is that somehow, it's the good moments like these that carry us through when everything else seems too hard.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Lots of things I don't know, a couple of things I do
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comments:
I find myself falling into the same rut more often than I'd like. I KNOW what to do, but I either don't do it or am frustrated at the lack of results or the speed at which the results and payoffs come. (school, my own recovery, relationships, etc.) There is no harm in looking at the obstacles and seeing that they will be tough to pass. Sometimes you just need to acknowledge that (or have other people affirm that YES, it really is hard and they would have a hard time too) before you can start breaking it down. (Just look at my blog! I go through obstacle after obstacle and sometimes it can seem negative but after I write, I feel so much better and can start to chip away at it after getting my anxiety and pent up feelings out of the way...)
Your work will pay off. Recovery is attainable. I know I really struggled when I gave it up and was doing all the "right" things, because I was not getting the benefits my ED provided me. But it gets better. Sometimes the pay offs we slower (ok, a lot slower!) than I wanted. But reaching out really helps a lot. You just need to get through the rough spots until you start "refilling your well."
And little J will grow up and sleep through the night (also at a slower pace than you might like! :) It is just going to take some time. And you can always call me to babysit if you need a break. Plus big J can help out too. I don't know how you do it with such erratic sleep patterns my friend. :)
Post a Comment