Optical illusions- when our eyes and our brains deceive us

I've always loved optical illusions and mind games. When I was a kid I was obsessed with those Magic Eye books where if you stare at the page long enough a 3D image would magically pop out. I think it's so fascinating to see how our brains process things and how we can be fooled into seeing things that aren't really there. For instance, stare at the picture to the right for a second. If you're like me you'd be willing to bet it's one of those animated, moving pictures, right? Sorry, try again. The acorns are actually completely static, no real movement whatsoever. And the picture below, isn't it the arc of the lines that's creating the appearance of a bulging circle? Nope, wrong again. All the lines are completely straight--if you don't believe me hold the flat edge of a piece of paper up to the screen and you'll see that the lines are as flat as can be. Even though images like these boggle my mind, part of the reason I think they're so cool is that I KNOW I'm being deceived.

But how many times in our lives are we completely deceived, without even realizing it? I had an experience this week that made me see reality in a whole new light. I've been working at the Red Cross for a little over a year now. Because of some pretty serious health problems and a nasty relapse into my eating disorder it had been a while since I'd had a full time job. The last half of 2006 and the first half of 2007 was a really trying period for me and most of my time was spent trying to regain my weight, my health, and my life. By last summer I was doing considerably better and even though the thought of working full-time terrified me beyond belief, I decided that this was exactly what I needed to do. I still remember how I felt the morning of my first day--I was scared and anxious and insecure, but rather than acknowledge those very valid feelings I spent the morning frantically trying on one thing after another and ending up in tears because I was too "fat" for all my clothes. I was completely convinced people would notice all the weight I had recently gained and that from day one I'd be destined to fail at my job (because for me gaining weight, no matter how desperately I needed it, made me feel like a failure). Somehow, I made it to my training that morning of August 6, and even more miraculously I've survived the last 13 months without giving up. Sure, it hasn't been the perfect job, but I've endured 15 1/2 hour days of college kids puking and passing out at the USU "Blood Battle". I've managed to single-handedly unload an entire supply truck in a stinky, dirty basement because two of my co-workers decided not to show up. And recently I've put up with lots of awkward comments from donors, like the guy who asked, "Are you pregnant...(long pause)...or do you just have a big...(doesn't say the word belly, just motions with his hands around his stomach area!)?" Seriously, who says those things!? Or a couple nights ago, a couple comes in, I give them the books to read and tell them I'll be right back, and thinking I was out of earshot (rather than around the corner) the wife leans over to her husband and says, "That girl looks like she's going to have an anorexic baby." Since when do random strangers (who have no idea how far along I am) get to decide how big my belly should be?

Anyway, I'm getting way off topic now, but my point is I've learned to endure and tolerate difficult situations and I feel like my confidence has grown leaps and bounds. But it wasn't until this last week that I realized just how distorted my perception has been in the past (and probably still is in some ways). On my way to a blood drive I accidentally left my badge in the room where we all meet before heading out in our big Red Cross vans. One of my co-workers, not wanting me to forget it again, hung it on the wall so it was the first thing anyone walking in the door would see. So pretty much every one of the 50-80 people who use that room every day was met by a not-so-beautiful picture of me. It was taken on my very first day of work (the day I was feeling so fat) and now the only time I use it is to swipe in and out on the time clock. In fact, I don't think I've even looked at the picture in months. But apparently everyone I work with was shocked by how sick I looked. The entire next day I was bombarded with questions and comments like, "Wow, you were really skinny when you first started here!" or "what was wrong with you?" or "how much weight have you gained since you've been pregnant?"...the interrogations went on and on. But the amazing thing wasn't what others were seeing--it was what I saw when I looked at that picture. How could this be the same girl that I was sure was so fat? I wish I had a scanner so I could post the picture here, but I'll just use this one from around the same time as an example. Years and years of self-criticism, perfectionist thinking, and self-imposed unrealistic expectations have given me a somewhat distorted perception of myself. It's like I've had two sets of filters--the sunny, bright colored one through which I've viewed other people, and the dark, black and white one through which I've viewed myself. And I gave so much power to that dark filter that even the loving pleas of my family and friends or the scientific proof that my thinking was ridiculous couldn't convince me that what I was seeing wasn't real.

Time does amazing things. Sure, it makes me sad to look back at mistakes I made and to see more clearly how messed up my thinking was. But sometimes we have to see the not-so-pretty stuff in order to appreciate the truly beautiful aspects of life. The real challenge for me is learning to recognize the illusions and distortions when they're actually happening--rather than a year later. It's a big step for me to look back at the few pictures I have from when I was sick (the funny thing is I hid from the camera because I thought I was fat) and realize just how bad I look, but it's a lot harder to accept that my ever-changing pregnant body might not be as monstrous as I feel. That's when we have to look at things not with our eyes or our brains, but with our hearts. Because that's where we find true beauty.