Lessons learned through recovery

A couple weeks ago I taught Relief Society on "Proclaiming the Gospel" and I thought I'd share a little excerpt from my lesson. As I was preparing I couldn't stop thinking about all the similarities between the persistence it takes to help a loved one recover from an eating disorder (or any addiction) and the loving support necessary to help someone understand and accept the gospel. I know, that might sound like a crazy connection, but read on and I think you'll agree. This is just a short journal entry I read during my lesson.

Recovery and Proclaiming the Gospel

For a long time I thought I knew exactly what was true, I thought I knew exactly what was best for me and exactly what I wanted, but in reality I was lost and I desperately needed help. Sure, there was a lot of light and truth in my life- I was raised in the church and I have always had a strong testimony of the gospel.

But often Satan’s way of getting to us is mixing truth with lies, so subtly that we often don’t even realize that we’ve taken a good thing too far. That’s just how many of my struggles began- I mean what’s wrong with a 12 year old deciding to start running in efforts to drop a few seconds off her freestyle time in swim team? Probably nothing, except for the fact that the 12 year old believed her weight was the problem. And losing weight would become the solution to all her fears, insecurities, stresses, and feelings of not being good enough. It was all done in the name of health- I mean who doesn’t admire someone who can perfectly control what they eat and be disciplined enough to wake up at 5 am each morning to run 10, 15, or even 20 miles?

Discipline and control themselves aren’t bad- in fact they are a vital part of a balanced life. However, the problems ensue when these things go from guidelines to shoot for to sticks to beat ourselves with. There’s not time to get into all the details of how or why or when my problems emerged, it’s much too complicated and there’s still much even I don’t fully understand, but for a long time I was unhappy, scared, and so entangled in deception that I didn’t know how to change. From the outside it was obvious what I needed, however sometimes we are so convinced that what we believe in our heads is absolute truth that we refuse to internalize the advice and counsel of those around us.

This is the predicament I want to talk about- how do we help others that are stuck in their ways, or change ourselves when we’re the one stuck in the rut? The first thing that helped me, thought I didn’t recognize it at the time, was hearing people who had gone through similar things promise me that there was a better way. Initially I didn’t believe these promises, in fact I often thought they had some ulterior motive or hidden agenda to get me to change. But somehow these messages- that happiness was real and not just a fantasy, that it was possible to endure weight gain and even learn to love my body, that things would get easier with time- stuck with me and I gradually began to hope and pray I could achieve these things myself. But it wasn’t only the words that helped, it was also the examples of my family, friends, and even those I didn’t know. I looked at people around me and began to wonder why they were so happy when I felt so miserable inside. I watched them doing things they enjoyed- whether it was hiking in the Tetons, studying to go to med school, taking care of their precious new baby, serving in the temple or in the soup kitchen, making time for a friend in need, or just goofing off with the grandkids.

It became apparent to me that happiness was a byproduct of righteous, balanced living. I learned that part of life is accepting we can’t be happy 100% of the time, but that even the hard times take on meaning and purpose when endured with the faith that things WILL get better. I realized that although there are many good things that can bring us joy, there are certain things that are guaranteed to make us miserable- and I knew that my eating disorder was one of them. I wanted to have that light and spirit I saw in others- and I was willing to do whatever it took. I knew it wouldn’t come all at once, but would be a progression that would likely take my entire lifetime. However, I also began to notice that each step along the way brought greater happiness and peace that made forging ahead worth all the effort.

You may wonder why I share all these thoughts, when in some ways they are far from the topic of missionary work. However the basis is the same- I never could have done this alone and I am so grateful for the people who loved me and never gave up. It was the persistent encouragement, loving examples, and genuine testimonies of those around me that gave me the strength and courage to take a leap of faith. No matter what challenges those around us face, or what things we personally struggle with, we all need people who are willing to stand up and “proclaim glad tidings” of hope, love, and a better way.

P.S. Sorry for all the writing, if you want to see some fun pictures check out my link to the Crofts family blog!