Heat + Pregnancy + Courtney = watch out!

I used to be a sun worshiper. I remember the good ol' days back in high school when we'd run over to Eliza Barker's house during lunch just to lie out on her trampoline. Or when we'd take road trips down to St. George to soak up the rays because it was still too cold to get any sun in Salt Lake. Yes, I'll admit I loved to get a good tan, but I also just loved the heat. I loved playing tennis in the middle of the day and then jumping in the cold pool. I'd even go running in 100 degree weather because for some reason being extra sweaty made me feel like I was working out harder (yes, I was crazy).

But times have certainly changed. Don't get me wrong, I still love summer and sunshine, but heat? Not so much. On Thursday I was working up in Logan and the church we were supposed to have the blood drive in was wretchedly hot. I don't know why, but our charge (the supervisor of the drive) made us set up anyway. Only to find out, when I was trying to do the function tests on our equipment, that it was over 95 degrees and our quality controls wouldn't pass in that kind of heat. After disastrous attempts to get the room to cool down we were told we had to pack everything up and move to another church. For those of you who don't know what my job entails, there is nothing I despise more than unloading the big Red Cross truck, setting everything up, and then taking it down and packing up at the end of the night. When I found out we'd have to load, unload, set up, and take down AGAIN I was about ready to blow up and start lashing out at someone (and being in the insanely hot church was not helping my irrational thoughts!).

I know it's common for pregnant women to experience intense and crazy emotions, but man, this anger stuff has been quite the unpleasant surprise. Sure, I've always had the tendency to get annoyed or be impatient over certain things, but I've never felt such sudden rage over seemingly minor things (such as being stopped at a red light or dropping a laundry basket on my big toe). I'm having a really hard time figuring out how to channel this negative energy. I've tried the deep breathing thing and the counting to ten, but I'll be honest those things feel like a joke when you're boiling inside. I've never been one to get mad at other people--John and my parents are probably the only ones who have ever seen me in my crazy moments. I think I'm terrified of opening my mouth and turning into a monster that it's easier to put on my happy face and not say anything at all. But that's probably worse than turning into a monster because all those bottled feelings eventually boil over and I usually end up taking it out on myself.

I think even admitting this is a big step. I'm learning to be more patient and kind to myself but sometimes it's so dang hard. I'm tired of turning anger into perfectionism or feelings of not being good enough. It's going to take a lot of practice but I really want to start using the appropriate channels to direct my anger. I mean, why should I feel depressed after an awful day of work when I didn't do anything wrong at all? Maybe instead of getting angry at myself I'll just get angry at the heat.