Elevators and Stairs

As I keep going through my writing it makes me a little depressed to see how much I've written about dark, painful stuff. I think I tend to write more when I'm down because I need the outlet. But I love rereading stuff that I've written when I'm motivated and optimistic. In treatment we talk a lot about this thing called "opposite action". It basically means doing the exact opposite of what you "feel" like doing, because sometimes going through the motions and doing the whole "fake it 'til you make it thing" actually does work. So if you feel like isolating, force yourself to go talk to someone. If you feel like wallowing in your negativity, get out your journal and write a list of gratitudes. So I'm going to try some opposite action the next little while and even though I've been feeling down and discouraged I'm going to post some of my favorite writings that inspire me. 

1/8/17

For most of my life I have taken the elevator. There are a lot of elevators--weight loss, perfectionism, restriction, over-exercise, purging, self-harm, suicidal ideation--but they all do the same thing. They are the easy way out (and up). Human bodies need exercise to build strength but I never built that strength because I never took the stairs. I was too scared. What if I couldn’t make it up? What if it hurt? My muscles were atrophied, my heart weak, and I needed my elevator. So that’s what I did. I rode my elevator, all day, every day. I knew this elevator was hurting me, that I was growing weak, and every so often I’d take the stairs just to prove that I could. That I wasn’t hopeless. Sometimes I’d really push myself and take the stairs several times a day. But the elevator was still there. Waiting for when the stairs felt too hard. Pretty soon I’d go back to my elevator, all day, every day. When I came to Avalon I decided something had to be different. Avalon was only on the first floor so how hard could the stairs be? I mean who can’t handle 12 steps? I practiced, but the elevator was still there and as hard as I tried to stick with the stairs I’d still end up going back to my elevator when things got hard. Month after month I struggled, but slowly, somehow I got better at taking the stairs. At times I would look at the elevator and think about taking it, but I was pretty dang good at climbing one flight so I didn’t need my elevator as much. But here’s the problem. At home I live on the 6th floor. That’s 5 more flights and I’m not that strong. So I go back to taking my elevator because it’s still there. It’s easier that way. But it will also kill me. So I am finally ready to do something different. I can’t alternate between taking the stairs and the elevator. I can’t walk two flights and then ride the rest. If I ride the elevator once I will take it again and again. So it’s time to destroy my elevator. Cut the cable so it’s not just out of order but permanently annihilated. The only way I will build the muscles I need to climb 6 floors is by doing it over and over again. I’m so much stronger than I used to be and I have what it takes. It may take me a while to climb 6 floors but that doesn’t matter. I can stop for a breather at the end of each flight, heck every couple steps, if I need it. This isn’t a race. But now that the elevator isn’t an option I will get used to the stairs. It may be brutal at first but it will get easier. Maybe faster than I think. And there’s something nice about the stairs--there are people here. I’m not all alone like I am in my elevator. I don’t have to walk by myself. So I’m going to cut the cable, dust off my hiking boots, and start climbing.