Letter to myself

Every so often I have moments of clarity where it's like I can see myself and everything around me the way it really is. Maybe I even get glimpses of how God sees things. When those moments come I try to write what I see so I can go back to those writings when I'm not seeing clearly. I wrote this letter to myself last August just a few days after a really rough period where I felt like I was hitting rock bottom. I keep a bunch of these letters and other little reminders of hope with me at all times so I can turn to them and read truth when my mind is being consumed with lies. So I thought I'd start sharing a few of the things that keep me going. 


8/21/16

Dear Courtney,

This has been a long, rocky, tumultuous journey for you. My guess is that because you are reading this letter right now that you are feeling hopeless and discouraged. Maybe you want to give in. Maybe you want to give up. Maybe you feel like a lost cause. But take a deep breath and try to listen to me for a minute. Last Thursday (Aug 18, 2016) you wanted to give up. You had purged several times in a 24 hour period and you sank into such fathomless despair that you wanted to die. But by the grace of God you survived that miserable night. And something miraculous happened. You have seen glimpses of this before, but in the days following that Thursday you realized on a whole new level what you have been missing. You have known for a while that no one else can pull you out of your hole, but you finally realized that you can’t pull yourself out either. Sure, you need to do all you can because you won’t get out by just sitting there, but the only way you will truly recover is if you surrender your entire will to God. Not just part of your will, but all of it. Remember how you felt when you started working on the church’s Addiction Recovery Program manual. Remember the peace you started to feel as you opened your scriptures for the first time in a while and read about grace in the bible dictionary. It says that it is through the grace of the Lord, through faith in the Atonement and repentance of our sins, that we receive strength to do things that we would never be able to on our own. You realized that weekend that it is time to hand your recovery over to God. If you feel like you can’t do this right now, that you can’t go on, you are actually right. YOU can’t, but WITH God you can. He will carry you. He will make up for everything you lack. You do not feel it right now but He is right by your side. Your vision is so limited that you cannot see how finite this moment is. Remember what else you read in the scriptures that weekend: ”For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that shall be revealed in us” (Romans 8:18). You are such a precious daughter of God. Satan is trying to blind you, to convince you that you are worthless, that your body is disgusting, that YOU are disgusting. But these are all lies. He is fighting so hard to destroy you because he knows what a powerful, precious daughter of God you are. You are here to make a difference, not to shrink. Let your new body be a sign of your complete submission to God. You are giving Him your heart, your will, your entire life. It’s ok that you look different. You have developed an internal strength so that you no longer need your bones to protect you. It’s ok that you can’t do this anymore. In D&C 105:14 God tells us “...I will fight your battles.” You have the powers of heaven that you can call upon. Pray and ask for His protection. You can demand that Satan depart, in the name of Jesus Christ. Try to remember what it was like to feel hope. You were filled with light that illuminated your mind and helped you see from an eternal perspective. You felt peace that you will NEVER find through unhealthy behaviors. I know it might make you angry to read about feeling peace because you feel so far from that now. Be patient with yourself, it’s not your fault that you can’t feel it in this moment. Sometimes things are hard. Bad days just happen. But trust me--that hope will come back. Especially if you stay true to what your heart knows is right. This will pass. You don’t need to keep climbing right now, but you also don’t need to slide back down the hill. Just sit down and take a break. Use your skills. Ask for help and let others be there for you. God is there but sometimes it is through those around you that you can feel His love. Don’t believe Satan’s lies--you are NOT alone. There are spirits on the other side of the veil who are fighting for you. Grandparents, aunts, people you've never even met are often by your side. Johnny and Hannah need you. You are irreplaceable. Don’t give the eating disorder an inch, it will take a mile. Pray every minute of the day if you need to. And give yourself some credit. You have come SO far. You may be struggling but you are still on the other side of that wall. You know deep down that going back to life with an eating disorder is NOT an option. And death is not an option either. So let your Savior hold you right now. Cry if you need to. Get some rest--things always seem better in the morning. A new day, a fresh start. Remember, you have decided to give full recovery a chance for 1 year. If you give it your all and you decide it’s not worth it you can always go back to your ED. But you have never actually given recovery a real chance so how can you possibly know whether or not it’s worth it? It’s hard to imagine but my guess is that you will discover meaning and purpose in your life that you couldn’t even imagine in your eating disorder. I don’t think a stupid number on the scale is worth a lifeless, hollow, lonely life. Don’t give in. Don’t give up. You can do this.

H.old

O.n

P.ain

E.nds

Love,

Yourself

“Lord, I believe; help Thou mine unbelief.”  Mark 9:24

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Which wolf am I going to feed?