As I've been going through old writings and typing them up I sometimes marvel at how far I've come and at other times I feel like the words from 6, 9, 12 months ago are the same words I would write today (sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad). I've had a really difficult day today but it's nice to go back to writings that helped me find even tiny glimpses of hope during some dark times. I may be down right now but like I say (maybe a few too many times) in my poem below "darkness doesn't last forever".
5/14/16 (I wrote this while on an outing up Logan Canyon after seeing a picture of myself on someone's camera)
Up and down. Up down down up up down. Down up down up down. Will this roller-coaster ever end? The contrasts are killing me, but is this better than perpetually living down? Are the ups recharging my soul so I have the strength to survive the inevitable downs? This morning I was up. It was as refreshing as the sun breaking through the clouds after a night of torrential rain. I tried to enjoy it while it lasted. I tried not to ruin the present with anxious anticipation of when the downturn would begin. Sometimes I am terrified of the ups because the downs feel so much worse when you actually taste of what could be. The stark contrast is demoralizing. But slowly I am learning to live in the ups. To breathe, to laugh, to be. The walls around my heart are slowly coming down. But bringing them down hurts. The walls aren’t there to protect me anymore. When I’m up it’s good to see my heart. But I just came down. Way down. And the pain is suffocating. All because of a picture. Millions of atomic particles precisely placed to form color. The color forming shapes. The shapes forming me. Please tell me it’s not real. Please wake me up. Pinch me. Throw me in an ice cold lake. Anything. Just please don’t let this be real. I can’t do this. I want physical pain to overshadow this swelling emotional pain that I can’t contain. I want to run. Far away. Everything is bottled up just waiting to explode. How do I let out a little steam without the whole world falling apart? Breathe. Listen to the sounds of the river. Feel the cool breeze. Smell the fresh mountain air. It’s going to be ok. I am ok. But I’m not. So what are my options? I’ve been here before. There are two paths I can take. I can let myself feel or I can numb out. I can sit in this ocean of tears and feel the salt in my wounds. It will be a long, hard night but the dawn will bring a breath of fresh air. Or I can jump on the death ship that shoots me out of the pain, granting instant relief but leaves me alone in a desolate land. Do I want a hard night but a rewarding new day or do I want the quick fix that keeps me stuck?
Darkness doesn’t last forever.
2 comments:
Needed that poem today/tonight!
As always what you say speaks soooo clearly to me. Loved the poem. Loved it all. I am so glad you are sharing. ❤
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