Thank you!

Thank you so much for all of your kind comments on my last post. I promise I haven't ignored all of you who want to hear more about what I'm doing...part of the reason it's hard for me to share more about what's going on is that half the time I'm not feeling so positive about it (because it's so hard) so I'm always waiting for that opportune moment when I'm both feeling optimistic AND I have undivided attention to sit down and write out my thoughts (and unfortunately those two things don't often happen simultaneously). I hope I haven't piqued your curiosity too much because the truth is there is nothing magical or miraculous about the approach I'm taking. Well, maybe that's not true. I think we sometimes forget that it's often times the small and simple things that fill our lives with miracles.

I'm not going to get into all the nitty gritty details here, but basically for the last month or so I've incorporated a fairly intensive 12-step program into my treatment. For those of you who aren't familiar with the 12-steps, they were first developed for the Alcoholics Anonymous program but have since been modified and used by people suffering from all kinds of addictions (the LDS church has a great 12-step Addiction Recovery Manual that I love). Through some amazing people in my ward I was connected with this incredible woman who runs a 12-step group for people with eating issues and she's been acting as my sponsor. Every morning at 6 am (or some mornings 8 am) I call her and we talk. And then I spend between 30-60 minutes each morning doing personal quiet time where I read, write, pray, meditate, and basically try to reprogram my mind from all the irrational and negative thinking I've reinforced for way too long. Most of what the 12-steps involves is not new to me, in fact over the years I've gone through a lot of 12-step books so I "know" a lot of the stuff. But the way I'm using it is totally different. I am approaching my recovery in a spiritual way like never before. Basically I am learning the true meaning of the word "surrender".

It is only because I am taking an entirely new spiritual approach that I've been able to make some big changes in other areas as well. This is the stuff that I'm not sure how much I'm comfortable sharing on here (so you're just going to have to call me to chat if you want more details because I have realized I am really bad at finding time to sit down and write emails :)), but basically I have surrendered my control and am sticking to a very specific meal plan. Some people may look at what I'm doing and think it's borderline eating disordered--I'm weighing and measuring all my food, I have completely eliminated certain foods from my diet (at least for now), and in some ways I'm a little rigid with my food. But it's exactly what I need. I am actually eating more than I have eaten in years. I am having so few slips with other ED behaviors that I struggle with that it is truly miraculous. I am gaining some weight (which is unbearably hard, but I also know it will eventually get easier). Some days I wonder what in the heck I am doing, some days I feel like I can't go on another minute, but the truth is right now it's working so I'll keep on doing it.

My kids are letting me know my blogging time is up so I better run...hope this makes at least a little sense because I'm posting it unedited!