What keeps me going

One of the reasons I have a hard time writing about how things are going is that a lot of the time I am REALLY struggling...and it's hard to talk about WHY I'm struggling because it just doesn't make logical sense. I am doing the right things but it feels miserable. I am trying to tell myself that gaining weight is okay, that it does not make me a failure, that I don't in fact look like a beached whale (and don't say that isn't true because most of you haven't seen me for a couple weeks and it's quite alarming how quickly I've been putting on weight lately). I'm also trying to remind myself that my feelings tend to get a little out of whack at times and that I'm not always the best judge of reality when it comes to things like how I feel about my body. But sometimes logic doesn't really help. So instead I am trying to pray that I can let go of whatever lies distort my mind and keep me stuck in this torture. I am spending lots of time playing with my kids and hubby, going on walks in this beautiful fall weather, and just trying to enjoy the simple things of life even when inside I hurt. I've also been spending a lot of time writing in my journal--when I start getting sucked into negative, irrational thoughts I sit down and write the things I know deep inside to be true, the things I am grateful for, and the things my heart really wants even when my head is telling me otherwise.

Even though 95% of the time I wish I could turn around and go back to what makes me feel safe, I'm relying on my faith and the wonderful glimpses I get the other 5% of the time that remind me that this is not what I was sent to earth to do. I am SO much more than my eating disorder and I am ready for my life to be entirely freed of it. That's what keeps me pushing along when I want to give up.