Overdue update--part 2

Reason #4 I haven't blogged:

Apparently I have some issues with being real. As in I like to make everything look like it's perfectly fine on the outside while I'm simultaneously falling apart on the inside. I think we all do this to some degree, and it's probably a good thing. The world would be a pretty crazy place if everyone ran around wearing their hearts on their sleeves and spilling their emotional garbage left and right.

I think it's normal that we all want to portray the best side of ourselves to others, the problem is when we can ONLY portray that side. We need times, places, and people with which we can take the mask off and let it all out. For some reason when I'm pregnant I feel like I am not allowed to struggle. Taking care of the baby inside me must be my number one priority, and so even when I do struggle (because let's be honest...being pregnant is HARD and anything you struggle with is usually amplified when your hormones are raging and your body is aching) I can't admit it to anyone, not even myself. And that just makes things worse. I somehow subconsciously convince myself that denying my problems will make them go away, when in fact it makes them a whole lot worse.

It doesn't help that there are only a couple people that I generally allow to see the real, unadulterated me. Thankfully, the #1 person is my wonderful husband who really is my rock and puts up with my endless craziness. But he also works 60+ hours a week and is rarely home for breakfast, lunch, and some weeks even dinner (or at least when I like to eat dinner). I try to take him lunch at work when I can and lately he's been a lot better at making it home for dinner, but there are still a lot of meals in between where I've been struggling. Maybe this is just a lame excuse, but I feel like the incessant nausea got me out of the habit of regular eating and now I'm having a rough time getting back on track.

Final confession for the day, and this is slightly embarrassing since I'm 28 years old and a grown adult, but I really miss my mom. Of course I miss my dad terribly too, but my mom has been my #1 support during the day for the last several years (and pretty much my best friend too--though she probably wouldn't guess based on my occasional regression to brattiness...what is it about the mother-daughter relationship that brings that out?) and it's really hard to have her gone. I know they are doing the right thing, I know this is a good opportunity for me to prove to myself that I don't need to have my mom around to hang out with and go to lunch with for me to be okay, I know they're only a phone call away, I know I can drive up to Boise whenever I feel like it to visit, I know they'll only be gone for 3 years and that the time will fly by, I know that those missionaries are freakin' lucky to have my parents for mission presidents and that the service they are doing is invaluable...but it's still hard.

Alright, time to go take my daily nap while the kid sleeps and escape the thoughts of my horrid Dr appointment this morning. Thanks for letting me rant.