I'm Back (from who knows where!)

Wow, it has been a long time since I've blogged! Whenever I go a long time without doing something it makes it that much harder to get going again. Where do I even start? These last few months have been really tough. Sure, there has been a lot of external stuff we've had to deal with, but lately it's been the internal stuff that's been the real challenge. Sometimes it frustrates me that I've come so far and yet still struggle in so many ways. I know, such is life, the struggles never end (nor should they) but it's exhausting to see yourself make mistakes over and over again.

I've been doing a lot of reading, writing, and soul searching (sorry for the cheesy phrase, maybe I should just say personal introspection), trying to figure out how I can make lasting, permanent change in my life. I know I've already managed to make lots of positive change over the years, but in a few areas I feel like my feet are stuck in cement.

I'm so friggin' hard on myself!

- No matter what I do, I never feel like it's enough (which makes it easy to stop trying since even my best efforts don't feel satisfying)

- I'm always quick to give others the benefit of the doubt, but for some reason I hold myself to this unrealistic, unattainable double standard

- I always love when other people are real, yet I'm still ashamed of and try to hide my own weaknesses

I don't do a good job of riding the emotional roller coaster of life.

- Actually, I take that back. I do a great job of riding the ups and highs, but when I start going down and reach the lows I crumble.

- I have a hard time reminding myself that feelings are just feelings, they can't kill me and they don't need to be acted on or changed. Lately my anxiety has been really intense and I feel like I'm always trying to run away (literally!) from it. It's a good thing little J likes the jogging stroller!

Sometimes I just want a break from life.

- I still have a hard time making sure my own needs get met, which usually results in burnout

- I'm trying to find time to do things I enjoy (like reading, hiking, playing the piano, etc) but lately I've been so consumed by the things I "should" be doing that I forget how important those time-outs are too

Alright, enough of the boring facts about my life for today. Maybe now that I've broken my non-blogging streak I'll be able to think of more interesting things to write about.

But one final plug for an awesome book I just finished called "The Return of the Prodigal Son: A Story of Homecoming". I know I've recommended a few books here and there but this one is SERIOUSLY such an enlightening, insightful book. It's written by the theologian Henri JM Nouwen, not sure what religion he is but it's all about his study and deep understanding of Rembrandt's "Prodigal Son" painting. Ok, now I'm making it sound boring, but really, go read it, you'll be glad you did.