The Power that can change a day

So why is it that some days I just feel blue, no matter what I do? Why does my mind get so fixated on everything wrong with me- my body, my lack of ambition, my imperfections, my emptiness, my overall feeling of just not being good enough? I have gained a lot of wisdom over the years, but I have such a hard time putting insight into action. For instance I KNOW my eating disorder won't make me happy- it never has and it never will. So why do I sit here and desperately want to binge and purge? I guess if the urges weren't so strong I would've gotten over this long ago. AAGGGHHH! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs because I don't want to be fighting this fight anymore. I want to be able to live without negative thoughts constantly bombarding my mind. I want to be at peace with food, not always making it the enemy or the prize, the thing to be avoided or desperately sought after. I want to live outside myself, delighting in friendships, service, the gospel, family, nature, and all the other wonderful things I am blessed with. One of my main problems is that I easily forget no goal is ever reached without work- blood, sweat and tears. No runner ever crosses the finish line without hours and hours of training. No brilliant invention was made without lots of trial and error. No one has ever experienced true sweetness without knowing the bitter too. How can I expect my life to be void from that which is present everywhere I turn? Opposition in all things is not a curse, it is a blessing because it opens the door to growth, learning, and ultimately eternal progression. Isn't it true that if it weren't for the opposition of gravity all our muscles would atrophy and we'd lose all of our strength?

Maybe one of the reasons this particular trial is so difficult is that my progression is not readily seen, there's no tangible manifestation of all my effort. But if I really step back they are there- I no longer expect perfection out of myself, I have learned so much about patience, faith, and acceptance of that which I cannot change. To most people this would never be mentioned on a list of accomplishments, but I am gaining weight! How wonderful it is to regain my strength. Being able to walk without hurting, hike, even water ski!! Our bodies truly are meant to be respected, taken care of, and used in all the miraculous ways we can use them! And food, it is the fuel our bodies need to allow us to do all these wonderful things. Yeah, starving myself to death allowed me to numb out a lot of painful emotions and it helped me avoid all kinds of fears, but it robbed me of everything good in my life. I couldn't feel happy, I wasn't interested in anything, I was always in physical pain- my head spinning, chest pounding, fingers and toes freezing, the acid in my stomach gnawing away at me. What kind of existence is that? All based on the irrational belief that any ounce of fat on my body somehow makes me a bad person? How did I ever fall prey to this delusion? I wish I could scream from the mountain tops to every person in this world- LOSING WEIGHT DOES NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY!!! How many billions of dollars do we spend every year on diets, exercise, and weight loss? It makes me sick! This surely is a sign of the last days- we labor for that which cannot satisfy, we desperately seek after that which is so temporary and can never be taken with us. We seek after the praise of man, forgetting the great God who created us and His miraculous ability to make us into far more than we could ever hope to become on our own. It is scary how well Satan knows us and how hard he tries to drag us down into the depths of misery. He is the author of the lies that plague us, telling us that we're too fat, not accomplishing enough, not spiritual enough....to him, nothing is ever enough. It is the adversary, not God, that demands instantaneous perfection. He fills our minds with impossible expectations because he knows that discouragement will drag us down. The Lord does not teach with discouragement, but rather love. He accepts us fully, just the way we are, with the sure knowledge that if we turn to him we can become SO much more. He doesn't counsel to make us feel guilty or burdened, but because He wants us to be happy.
Isn't that incredible, all that He has ever done, all that He is and will continue to do is because of His love for me? Little, itty, bitty me? My simple mind cannot fathom the depths of the love my Savior has for me, all that He has done so selflessly so that I might not suffer. And the more I try to serve Him because of my great debt the more He continues to bless me beyond what I could ever deserve. Yes, truth and justice are part of this perfect gospel, but the mercy of our Lord is beyond description. He has saved us from inescapable pain and sorrow, He has paid the price we could never afford. I am only one and I cannot do much, but the one thing I desire more than all else is to be a vessel of the Lord, to spread his great love so that others might know of His goodness. I want to forsake my sins so that I might follow Christ and never hunger or thirst again. For He is the bread of life, the living water, and he will keep me fed.