And I'm back!

It has been forever since I've had anything to do with this blog. I literally forgot this website even existed--it's probably been more than 2 years since I've even looked at it and over 3 since I last wrote anything. 

Blogging was something that I loved for a while and then for some reason I just got burned out and had no interest in it. But for some reason over the last 3 months or so I have been feeling this need to start writing again. Not because I have anything profound to say or anything anyone will be that interested in reading, but it's therapeutic for me and I need it. 

There's a type of therapy called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) that basically says we have 3 mind states: 1) Reasonable mind 2) Emotional mind and 3) Wise mind. 

Reasonable mind is when we're thinking rationally and logically and seeing facts for what they are. It can be helpful at times but sometimes we get too rigid, wrapped up in obsessive planning, or wanting things to be in perfect order. 

Emotional mind is pretty self-explanatory--it's when our thinking and behavior become controlled by our emotions and we often lose perspective on reality because we're so consumed by what we're feeling in the moment. If you need further explanation just come over and watch my dramatic 3 (almost 4) year old daughter Hannah. 

Wise mind is basically where the two overlap and we find the best of both worlds. We're in tune with what our intuition is telling us and we pay attention to what we're feeling but we also use our wisdom and intellect to make wise choices that will have long term benefits. I sometimes think of wise mind as when you have that intuitive, heart-felt sense that something is just right.

Sadly, most of the time the thoughts in my head vacillate between reasonable mind and emotional mind. I get stressed out by all the things on my to-do list that I haven't gotten to, I feel overwhelmed by Hannah's extreme stubbornness or Johnny's anxiety and I erroneously assume I'm failing as a parent, I feel guilty for not always knowing how to prioritize between "better" and "best"...I could go on and on but you get the point.

But for some reason when I write I am able to tap into that wise mind. The act of thinking about what to write somehow slows the spinning of my brain and for a moment I'm able to see that maybe I'm not doing so bad after all. Maybe the fact that my kids are clothed and fed and mostly taken care of can help me remember that it's okay if we don't get to our scripture study every morning or that my kids have had mac and cheese for lunch for the 3rd day in a row while those veggies are rotting in the bottom of the fridge. 

Writing helps me remember that we are all doing our best and there's no room for comparison. I don't know if it's because I struggle with low self-esteem, if it's a function of how my brain is wired, or if it's just a universal struggle that many of us deal with, but comparison has been a huge Achilles heel of mine for as long as I can remember. I literally remember my kindergarten teacher saying "criss-cross applesauce everyone!" and noticing that my thighs were chubbier than the other girls when I sat Indian style (I can't even believe that's the same age that Johnny is at now--oh how I wish I could go back to that little girl and put my arms around her!).

It's so easy to look at all the amazing things we see others doing and compare ourselves to their external worlds without having any idea what is truly going on in their internal worlds. I think one of the things that I love so much about writing is that it allows me to share more of my internal world--and the more we share our inner selves the easier it is to let go of those external comparisons and to see that our differences don't diminish our worth.

Something that I highly value is being a genuine, real, authentic, and down to earth person. Yet at the same time I have such a hard time expressing when I'm struggling and telling people that I'm not doing ok. But I really dislike feeling like I'm faking it so in recent years I've sometimes found myself pulling away and isolating myself so that I can avoid being vulnerable. I don't want to plaster on a fake smile and pretend to be something I'm not so instead I just avoid getting too close to people. But that isn't what I want to do either. I want to open up my heart and let people in. I want to share my insight, struggles, dreams, fears, and love with those around me.

Sometimes it's hard to be that vulnerable in person, so I think writing is a great way to bridge the gap. Even if no one reads what I write, the mere act of writing helps me open up my heart. Some people may think it's weird to share such personal and sometimes difficult things on a blog--but I've been through too much to worry about what others think. I have worked so hard to make progress in recovery and if writing has the potential to add to that progress even a little bit then it's more than worth it to me. 

So I'm resurrecting this old blog. I'm going to be vulnerable and share the ups and downs of what I've been going through in recovery and if it's more than you want to know, well sorry about that and don't keep reading! And if you have a blog leave me the link so I can catch up on your lives!