I haven't been blogging much, for a variety of reasons. Mostly because I don't want to be Debbie Downer all the time but if I wrote some happy, cheery post it would be completely disingenuous.
But once again, I realized who I blog for...me. I apologize in advance if my blog seems to be nothing but me whining and moaning about the same things over and over again. I use it as my place to vent and right now that's what I need, a place to vent and express the craziness in my head. I hope eventually I can use it to share wisdom and insight and positive things I've learned, but right now I'm just trying to do what helps me survive.
Things have been rough lately but the last few days I have recommitted to get myself back on track. Why does it always have to get harder before it gets easier? I am so tired of the mind-games I play with myself. I am sick of feeling like such a failure when I'm actually doing the RIGHT thing. I already ate a hefty breakfast and lunch but I was still feeling hungry this afternoon so I stopped at tcby for some fro-yo and now I'm just hanging out there using their wi-fi (this is one of those miraculous afternoons where I have a sitter at home watching the kids while they nap). I have a few more errands I need to run before I head home but for some reason I am feeling paralyzed by the guilt of eating more when I feel like I shouldn't have. I know logically my body NEEDS food, that there is nothing BAD about having an extra snack here or there, but for some reason feeling empty gives me such a natural high and feeling full makes me feel like I can't do anything right. I have been feeling pretty depressed lately and even though I know in the long run the eating disorder only worsens my depression, it is also a way I get short term relief from feeling rotten inside.
I know I need to keep fighting those negative thoughts and keep reminding myself of what my heart wants, not what my crazy head is saying. But right now I just have to be honest and admit that this is hard.
6 comments:
Court - YOU ARE LOVED!! No matter what!! Thanks for sharing what you are going through and how you are feeling. I have faith in you! I know that you are learning so much through all the ups and downs. Remember what you said on June 24 - "If there are no obstacles - you aren't going anywhere." Keep hanging on - keep trying - we are pulling with you, too!
Love you - Mom!! (some day I am going to learn how to become non-anonymous!! (Instead of mom-anon):)
Court, I agree with Laurie! You are so great and there are so many of us behind you. Hang in there!
Court, you are so amazing, and have such a beautiful family! We all see great and wonderful things in you! We love you!!!! Keep up the good work!
Oh my gosh, you are not a broken record. (hug) I remember when I was at this same point in recovery and writing in my journal "I'm doing all the RIGHT things. (aka eating) Why don't I feel better. I'm working my bum off (only I didn't say bum. he he) and none of it is paying off. I want to feel better NOW!" It's frustrating and hard and every minute and choice felt like a struggle.
Just know that it does get better (really!) and I am here to support you in any way I can. :)
Courtney -- Thanks for your thoughts! You put them into words so well. I ate a bowl of ice cream last night, and I'm still thinking about it, and now I want some frozen yogurt, and I just ate! Ugh!! Love you!
Lucky for you TCBY is the healthiest frozen yogurt on the planet (I'm not just saying that, it really is...if you want details, I can share them....even more healthy than nearly all fresh yogurt as well). Either way - you know we are all supporting you on your journey as you are supporting all of us on ours.....I'm glad we've get a couple nights each week to get away and get our minds off of the hard things and focus on the awesome horse move on the long box!
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