Life is Good

Wow, I'm not exactly sure how time flies by so fast, when things get busy I often fail to stop and reflect on everything that's happening. I can honestly say that I am happier than I've ever been before. It's not because of changes in circumstance (though we do have a number of very exciting things going on), but rather a distinct change in my outlook on things. For years I have been working on all kinds of "skills"- trying to see the positive instead of the negative, trying to be kinder to myself, learning to tolerate emotions rather than stuffing them or acting them out in unhealthy ways, learning to be assertive and to express my feelings rather than passively absorbing everything around me, trying not to take everything so personal, learning to value who I am as a person rather than what I do or accomplish, trying to understand that I don't need to live up to expectations (real or perceived, from myself or others)- I only need to decide what matters most to me and then be true to myself and God, I could go on and on about all the things I have learned intellectually, yet had a difficult time internalizing.

It's kind of been like working on a 1 million piece puzzle. Getting all the pieces sorted and into some kind of working frame has been a long, arduous, and at times discouraging process. Sometimes I looked at my life and felt like I hadn't made a single bit of progress, like all my pieces were just as jumbled and mixed up as in the beginning. But somehow the pieces of the puzzle have finally started to fit together- at first slowly but with time the process has really sped up. All the hard work, effort, persistence, and patience is paying off and the rewards are greater than I ever could have imagined. It's not that my life is perfect, or anything close to, but rather that I'm learning to enjoy both the ups and downs. I still get crazy surges of emotions at times (just ask John about the other night when I flipped out over a joke he played on me with the digital camera) and I still have to deal with things I really wish would just go away. But I've learned to be patient with myself and I now know that things don't have to be perfect for me to be happy.

I'm finally treating myself with the kindness I've always deserved, but never believed I did- and it's incredible the repercussions that simple act has had. Now that I'm "filling my own well" so to speak, I no longer long for validation and approval from others. The funny thing is now that I don't desperately "need" others acceptance, care, and help, when I do receive a kind compliment or loving support it means SO much more!! It's also amazing how empowering it is to stand up for myself.

Like the other day at work, I was innocently going about my duty, asking a donor for his name, birth date, and address when he seriously flipped out. He told me I was so unfriendly to ask him all those questions when obviously they were all on his drivers license he had just given me, and then he went off on how rude I was and how insulting it was for him to be asked these same questions every time he comes to donate. Needless to say I was shocked, because I don't think of myself as a rude and insulting person. Where some people would get angry right back, my way of dealing with these kind of situations is to recoil inward, absorb the other persons anger, be polite and non-confrontational, and then take out the absorbed anger on myself later on. But rather than following my old, unhealthy pattern I politely explained to the man how frustrating it was for me as well, that my job requires me to follow specific steps that seem repetitive and monotonous at times. I tried to relate to him, but I also explained that directing his anger toward me wouldn't help either of us, so I gave him the number for complaints and customer service at the Red Cross and explained to him that if he didn't want to accept the required steps he was in no way required to donate, that in fact it is a completely voluntary act. I think my response stunned him, because he was super polite after that (even when I had to stick his finger twice because of a centrifuge error). But more rewarding than his response was how empowered I felt because I had dealt with a difficult situation without being passive, but also without taking it to the opposite extreme and being aggressive.

Sorry this has turned into such a lengthy saga, I just feel such a need to celebrate the little victories I'm having and to take time to record my thoughts when I'm thinking clearly so I have a place to come back when things get difficult (because they always do). I think it's vital to tuck away and treasure the moments when we feel peace, joy, and direction because they can serve as a road map when we're lost, confused, and discouraged.

I feel awfully spoiled but John and I are taking off tomorrow for a 10 day trip to Hawaii, but get ready for some new and exciting updates when we get back! Sending lots of love and positive thoughts wherever you might be and if you've made it this far I think you are pretty amazing!

'Til then, just remember....