Remember who you are...

....oh those famous words, usually met with the rolled eyes and the look that only teenagers can give (or in my case "duh mom"). I have to warn you, I started writing this afternoon and I couldn't get myself to stop so if you're not in the mood to fall asleep you can skip to the end of this novel to read why I think these words are so much more important than we might think.

I teach Relief Society in my ward and the next lesson I give is on Elder Eyring's last talk from conference where he talks about recognizing and remembering God's kindness. He mentions some of the reasons why we are so apt to forget the blessings in our lives.

He said, "It won’t be easy to remember. Living as we do with a veil over our eyes, we cannot remember what it was like to be with our Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, in the premortal world; nor can we see with our physical eyes or with reason alone the hand of God in our lives. Seeing such things takes the Holy Ghost. And it is not easy to be worthy of the Holy Ghost’s companionship in a wicked world."

So I've really been thinking about this lately, especially because at times I find it so difficult to "keep in remembrance" the things I know to be true in my heart. This is kind of a silly example, but I think it illustrates my point. As some of you know I've been working at the Red Cross for about 3 months- which is hard to believe because I've had so many adventures it feels like I've been there years! Most of the time I feel like I'm doing a good job, I'm able to successfully draw the donors' blood, I try to work efficiently, etc. However, every once in a while something will go wrong- maybe I miss the vein, have a bad stick and give the donor a huge hematoma, maybe as I'm finishing up I don't get the needle guard locked in place quite right and before I know it blood is running everywhere (yes, this really did happen a couple weeks ago, you would have thought someone died by the amount of blood all over the table, on the paper work, on me, on the donor....you get the picture), or sometimes I just get a donor who seems determined to make my life miserable. I've noticed that in merely seconds I can go from feeling confident and self-assured to being absolutely convinced (at least in my mind) that I am the worst phlebotomist to ever walk the earth and that I better hurry up and quit before I end up destroying half the arms in Utah with my 16 gauge needle.

Thankfully, with a little time and lots of encouragement and reassurance from my ever so wise husband (who, by the way, knows the answer to every question under the sun and explained to me the mystery of the bent trees up at Bear Lake- maybe I'll spill the secret later!) I have refrained from acting on my irrational emotions and I am still off riding the blood-mobile. But going through this whole experience has really opened my eyes to how easily I am swayed by the emotions of the moment. Of course it's important that we identify and validate our feelings, there's nothing worse than being told (or telling ourselves) we "shouldn't" feel sad over a recent disappointment or that we "shouldn't" feel angry because if we were a good, kind person of course we wouldn't be angry (I hope you can sense my sarcasm). Experiencing all kinds of emotions is an inevitable and important part of life, even unpleasant emotions like anger can teach and direct us.

However, sometimes our feelings deceive us. For example, when I feel guilty after eating a cookie my emotions are lying to me. Nothing about my worth has changed in those few seconds, giving my body the energy and nourishment it needs (yes, even cookies can be nourishing) does not make me a bad person. In a world where success is measured on external scales it is so easy to let our confidence and happiness be dictated by what we do. Unfortunately, I have often lived like this, feeling good about myself when I got A's, moved up on the tennis team, mastered another piano piece, ran a faster mile, etc. Don't get me wrong, setting goals and achieving things can be a wonderful part of life, but when our happiness is entirely dependent on these things they are never enough.

For me the drive to get A's turned to feeling like an utter failure because I missed one question on my national biochemistry test, despite the fact that my professor had never had a student score so high. It caused me to get up in the middle of the night to exercise because I was so worried about consuming a few extra calories. And lately the roller coaster of emotions I have experienced at the Red Cross has shown me I still have this tendency to weigh my worth on the scale of the world. It's one thing to have insight, but it's a whole new ball game trying to really internalize what we know.

I wish there were an easier way to change things, and I think I'm not alone in this considering how many people are looking for one quick fix after another. But in reality the only way to "keep in remembrance" our inherent, never-changing, divine worth is to remind ourselves day after day that we are children of God, and that His love is enough for even the weakest of the weak (that's me). We have to pray every day that we can be taught the things of the spirit and that we can try to see ourselves the way God sees us. I am so far from that point, but as I have felt of the Lord's love I have experienced a burning desire to rise to the worth that is in me, to be true to myself. I've wanted to become a better person- not out of guilt or expectations, but rather because of the immense peace that comes when we live by eternal truths. Sorry this has turned into such a lengthy epistle, I'm probably putting you to sleep but more than anything in the world I want every one of you to know how truly amazing you are. Maybe nothing I say can help you believe this, but God can. With a little prayer, patience, and faith He will show you things your mind cannot fathom. He doesn't want us to "become" anything, He wants to remind us who we already are.