Lackluster efforts and facing my fears

Well, just as anticipated my motivation has already waxed and waned about 50 million times since the start of this week. My goals for Monday went okay--I did them, but my lackluster efforts were more so I could SAY I did them, not because I wanted them to work. And I'll be honest I've had a hard time getting myself to come back and write because I'm not really sure where to go from here or what I really want.

Sure, it's easy to say I want to be 100% recovered from my eating disorder and I want to be a good mom and wife and maybe go back to school some day and do something really cool with my life. But there's such a vast chasm between WANTING something and actually DOING what I have to do to get it. I live so many contradictions, in fact I've been thinking of having my middle name changed to ambivalence.

For instance, I really do want to be healthy and strong and have the energy to ski off cliffs and run up mountains without getting tired. But at the same time I have this horrible, persistent longing for the exhilarating (albeit temporary and counterfeit) feeling I get when I lose weight. I know I just need to keep working on finding new ways to get that focused sense of accomplishment that aren't quite so destructive, but that's much easier said than done. Especially with my brain. Because as soon as I start setting a goal to even work towards something (and I'm not talking big goals like applying for grad school or writing a book, just little things like volunteering next week or calling someone to hang out) I start freaking out-- what if everyone hates me, what if I get a sitter and they drop the baby, what if I make a fool of myself, what if I just can't do it, what if, what if, what if....?

I know, those fears are pretty silly and I can look at them one at a time and see just how irrational they are, but when the irrational fears are infused with more legit, somewhat rational fears (such as...am I making the right choice to be staying home 24/7 with the baby right now? or would I be a much more effective mom if I were to work a few hours a week because I function so much better when I have structure in my life?), those are the fears that really keep me stuck. I waste so much time trying to figure out what to do and where to go when really it doesn't matter so much what I do or where I go, as long as I'm moving somewhere! It's almost ironic that I'm so terrified of trying something new and failing, when in reality I'm already failing by not trying.

I don't want to keep turning back to the one thing I know I can be good at, because even with my eating disorder I never reach a point where I feel "good" enough. No matter how much weight I lose, I'll always want to lose a little more. It can be tempting to believe the eating disorder will make me feel happy and special, but I know that is a lie. It's a black hole that leaves me empty, hopeless, and utterly alone. And you know what? I really don't want to go there. So here's to going out on a ledge and facing my fears. Pretty sure it will be terrifying but equally as sure it will be worth it.

Goal for the next 24 hrs: Call the volunteer contact at Primary Children's Hospital to ask about volunteer opportunities. I saw a listing online for people to play music in the lobby or go play games with sick kids. Sounds like fun to me!